jokes, funny ha ha

Vodacom : How may we help you?

Customer : This is Julius *** and I haff a big problem with my phone bill.. My wife, she think I haffing an affair!

Vodacom : Okay Sir, and how can we help you with this?

Julius : My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and my wife think I haffing an affair with this woman, but I never heard of her before.
You must please trace these calls for me.

Vodacom : Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually tell you the name of the person you're calling, just their number.

Customer : This one does.

Vodacom : What phone do you have, Sir?

Customer : A mobile. I tell you this.

Vodacom : No, Sir, what make? What do you have in your hands?

Customer : An erection.

After a moment's silence, the gallant Vodacom worker continued.

Vodacom : Um, sir? Could you spell that for me?

Customer : For sure - E..R..I..C..S..S..O..N. - Erection.
Another moment's silence from Vodacom, and suddenly the penny dropped.

Vodacom : Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me?

Customer : For sure. C..E..L...L..U..L..A...R. - Salulah.

Husband takes his wife to see the doc.
After some serious consulting, the docttor approaches the husband and says: Brother we have to deal with a very ugly thing!
" I know" said said the husband "but she is great with the kids"

Iemand klop en Frederick maak die deur oop. Voor hom staan 'n verkoopsman
:

"Meneer, gun my 'n oomblik om die nuwe rewolusionere stofsuier, die
HUNGRY-VAC, aan u te demonstreer."

Frederick : " Jammer, ek kan ongelukkig niks koop nie - ek is in my moer
in platsak"

Verkoopsman : " Meneer die HUNGRY-VAC is ongelooflik. Ek kan nie hier
weggaan sonder om dit ten minste aan u te demonstreer nie!"

Met dié gooi die verkoopsman ook sommer dadelik n sak nat hondekak op
Frederick se sitkamermat.

"Meneer, as die HUNGRY-VAC nie die mat skoonmaak nie sal ek persoonlik
die stront van die mat af opeet"

Frederick : " Ek hoop jy het n MOERSE eetlus want my elektrisiteit is al
verlede week afgesny! … Watter gedeelte van plat-f@kken-sak verstaan jy
nie!"

The big bad Wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down."
The little piggy said "F… off or I'll sneeze on you..."

A South African Boertjie was drinking in a London bar when his cellphone
rang. He hung up grinning from ear to ear and ordered a round for the
whole bar, announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg baby boy.

Nobody could believe the weight but the South African just shrugged and
said, 'We make 'em big back home, folks. My boy's typically South
African'.

Congrats were showered on him and many exclamations of 'WOW' were heard.
One woman even fainted.

Two weeks later the South African Boertjie returned to the same bar.
Barman asked, 'We were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as to how
much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answered that he now weighed 9kg. The barman was
puzzled and concerned and asked 'What happened, he already weighed 12kg on the
day he was born'.

The South African father took a slow swig from his long neck Castle
beer, wiped his lips on his khaki shirt, leaned over and said: 'Had him
circumcised, boet'.

you have to dig this one

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/721689/sexy_chest/

Beware!!!!!!!!!!

Please warn ALL your male friends ... This can turn out very ugly!!!

A warning for all men who may be regular Builders Warehouse customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be
naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping
into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and
Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you
for a ride to KFC. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they
start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and
starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet or cell
phone.

I had my wallet stolen on July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th & 29th. Also August 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, and three times
last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Mr Price has wallets on sale @ R9.99 each.

Voel jy eensaam, moedeloos, asof niemand omgee nie, teen die grond, siek en sat? Daar altyd nog rede tot dankbaarheids. Steve Hofmeyr kon jou man gewees het Joost kon by jou dogter gekuier het, Jurie Els kon jou seun leer sing het en Julius Malema kon in jou tuin gewerk het.

Ha ha ha the one for builders is brilliant

A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in love

with a guy who was a cleaner. When the girl's father came to know
about
their love,

he did not like it at all, and so began to protest about it.



Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a

happy future.

The girl's father started searching for the two lovers but could not
find them.



At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in a

local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will allow

you to marry the guy you love, I accept that you loved each other
truly."
So in this way, their love won and they returned home.



The couple went to town to shop for the wedding dress. He was dressed

in white shirt that day. While he was crossing the road to the other

side to get some drinks for his wife, a car came and hit him and he
died
on the spot The girl lost her senses. It was only after sometime that

she recovered from her shocked. The funeral and cremation was the very

next day because he had died horribly.



Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an

old lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood stains of the

guy from her daughter's dress as soon as possible. But her mother

ignored the dream.



The next night her father had the same dream, he also ignored it.

Then when the girl had the same dream the next night, she woke up in

fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked her to wash

the clothes which have blood stains immediately.



She washed the stains but some remained. Next night she again had the

same dream she again washed the stains but some still remained.



Next night she again had the same dream and this time the old lady

gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain, or else something

terrible will happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the

stains, and the clothes nearly tore, but some stains still remained.



She was very tired.



In the late evening the same day while she was alone at home, someone

knocked @ the door. When she opened the door she saw the same old lady
of her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted.



The old lady woke her up... and gave her a blue box, which shocked the

girl. She asked "What is this...?" The old lady replied...















"Omo Washing powder... it will remove all stubborn stains!!!"..

For those of you who have lived in Natal (South Africa), you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in Pietermaritzburg.



Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage.

Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report.

The Pastor's Ass
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race..


The next day, the local paper headline read:






BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid
of the donkey..


The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby Convent..

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted!

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the papers read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.


The moral of the story is ....

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. It can even shorten your life..

..So be yourself and enjoy life to the fullest

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

After having their 11th child, a Brakpan couple decided that was enough.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children...

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy but
that it was expensive. (For people staying in Brakpan, paying more
than R50 for anything other than booze, car accessories or a sound
system,is expensive).

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a Cherry
bomb (fireworks are legal in Brakpan), light it, put it in a beer can,
then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10! The man said : "Aag,
yinne, I maait not be de cleverest oke in the wurlt, but I dussin see
how putting a cherrie borm in a beer can, next to my ear, is going to
help me."

"Trust me" said the doctor...

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count: " Wun, twooo, freee,
forrr, faaaiife," at which point he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand!!!

This procedure also works in: Springs, Bronkhorstspruit, Primrose,
Kempton Park West, Orkney, Randfontein and Brits.