jokes, funny ha ha

FAKE FRIENDS/REAL FRIENDS

FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: is the reason you have no food.

FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. / Mrs.
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM

FAKE FRIENDS: bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong
REAL FRIENDS: Would sit next to you saying '&*%@... we screwed up... but that was fun!'

FAKE FRIENDS: never seen you cry
REAL FRIENDS: cry with you

FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back
REAL FRIENDS: keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours

FAKE FRIENDS: know a few things about you
REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you

FAKE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds butt that left you

FAKE FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say 'I'M HOME!'

FAKE FRIE NDS: Are for awhile
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life

FAKE FRIENDS: will talk bad to the person who talks bad about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Will knock the person out that talked bad about you

> Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the
> ocean.
>
> Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes
>
> it as the whaling ship that killed his father.
>
> Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, 'That's the ship
>
> that killed my father! Let's swim closer!'
>
> When they were close enough, the male said, 'Why don't we swim
>
> under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship
> into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge'.
>
> And the female agreed to this.
>
> So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew
> enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
> crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
>
>
>
> The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the
> sailors
>
> were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
>
>
> The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, 'They're still
>
> alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
>
>
> sailors!'
>
> That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said,
>
> 'Oh no ... I agreed to the blow j0b but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen'.

Gatiep en Gammat is suip-gabbas wat as airplane mechanics werk in
Bloemfontein .
Eendag is dit heavy overcast en hulle sit in die hanger. Hulle het
boggerol om te doen.
Gatiep reken: "man, ek wens ons het iets om te suip!"
Gammat reken: "jinne ek ook...... weet jy, ek het al gehoor dat jetfuel
mens op 'n heavy plak sit...........Sal ons dit 'n go gee?"
Hulle skink toe maar so 'n paar shots high octane hooch en raak
paraletic.
Die volgende oggend word Gatiep wakker en is heel verbaas oor hoe goed
hy voel. Die foon lui. Dis Gammat: :"hey bra, hoe voel jy van-oggend?"
Gatiep: "ek voel reg!, wat van jou?"
Gammat: "nee cool! so jy't nie 'n hangover nie?"
Gatiep: "daai jetfuel is kwaai china....... ons moet dit meer offen
doen!"
Gammat: "daar's net een probleem....het jy al vandag gepoep?"
Gatiep: "nee, hoekom?"
Gammat: "wel...moenie ou tjom. EK BEL VAN WINDHOEK AF !!!!!!"

dude the one with the dog is priceless

Wanneer n e-mail by n verkeerde adres kom:


> 'n Man boek in by 'n hotel inPretoria . Daar is 'n rekenaar in sy kamer
> en
> hy besluit om vir sy vrou 'n e-pos te stuur, maar hy maak 'n tikfout en
> dit
> daag by die verkeerde adres op.
> Intussen kom 'n weduwee in die Kaap by die huis na die begrafnis van haar
> man.
> Sy besluit om haar e-pos te lees, verwagtende dat daar pos sal wees van
> familie en vriende van ver af.
> Sy lees die eerste boodskap, gil, en Val flou. Die weduwee se seun storm
> die kamer binne en nadat hulle haar gelaaf het, beduie sy net na die
> boodskap op die skerm en word weer flou.
> Op die skerm lees hy toe die e-pos wat die man van Pretoria geskryf het:**
>
> * Onderwerp:* Ek is hier liefling.



> Ek weet jy sal seker baie verbaas wees om van my te hoor!
> Hier is Internet en mens mag boodskappe stuur aan jou geliefdes. Ek het
> so
> pas arriveer en is nou net ingeboek. Ek het ook seker gemaak als is in
> orde

> vir jou aankoms oormore. Ek sien uit daarna om jou weer te sien, en dis
> gelukkig binnekort. Hoop jou reis is ook so rustig soos myne was.

> Jou verlangende man!

> *NS. Dis vrek warm hier.*

Jannie is in Gr.1 en sy Engelsjuffrou het probleme met hom.

Jannie meen hy's te slim vir Gr.1 en wil na Gr.3 oorgeplaas word.

Sy suster is in Gr.3 en Jannie reken hy is baie slimmer as sy.

Die juffrou het genoeg gehad en vat hom na die skoolhoof.

Die hoof sê hy gaan Jannie toets.As hy druip,bly hy in Gr.1.

Hoof:"Wat is 3x3?"

Jannie :"9"

Hoof:"Wat is 6x6?'

Jannie :"36"

So gaan dit aan totdat die juffrou die hoof vra of sy nie maar vir Jannie `n paar vrae in Engels kan vra nie

Juffrou:"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Jannie :"Legs"

Juffrou:"What do you have in you pants that I don't have?"

Jannie :"Pockets"

Juffrou:"What starts with a c and ends with a t, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains a thin, whitish liquid?"

Die hoof vee die sweet van sy voorkop af

Jannie :"Coconut"

Juffrou:"What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"

Jannie :"Bubblegum"

Juffrou:"What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting downand a dog does on three legs?"

Jannie :"Shake hands"

Juffrou:"Now I'll ask some 'Who am I sort of questions, okay?"

Jannie :"Yup"

Juffrou:You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you.

Jannie :"A tent"

Juffrou: A finger goes into me.You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first

Die hoof lyk baie gespanne.

Jannie :"wedding ring"

Juffrou: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well I drip. When you blow me you feel good.

Jannie :"Nose"

Juffrou:I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Jannie :"Arrow"

Juffrou: What starts with a F ends with a K that means a lot of excitement?

Jannie :"firetruck

Die hoof sê: Sit die klein bliksem in Gr.5 Ek het die laaste 10 antwoorde verkeerd gehad!!!!!!!

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket & notices a very attractive woman wave at him

& say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows

her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the

father of one of my kids". Now his mind races.

He racks his brain & travels back to the only time he has ever been

unfaithful to his wife & says, "Oh no!!!!! Are you the stripper from Fred's

stag night that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies

watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery???" She looks into

his eyes & calmly says, "No, I'm your son's Grade 3 teacher."

who's there?
givva
givva who?
givva heck,I'm off to bed,see you all.nite nite
j